How To Compliment Your Boyfriend

There seems to be a bit of a demand for information on the subject of what a girl should say to compliment her boyfriend. It’s sweet in a way because it shows a good number of women out there who recognize their own needs who want to reciprocate the same for their partner. Unfortunately it is another example of the two sexes not realizing that the opposing sex has a completely different set of needs and desires.

What compliments can you give to the man in your life? What can you say to boost his self esteem? What does he want to or need to hear from the woman in his life? In all honesty, not much at all. In general the average male doesn’t need a compliment, but he does have two needs that are fairly similar.

To understand the male mentality on this subject, I’m going to return to the dog/puppy analogy. If you understand the basic needs of a male puppy, you’ll understand the needs of your average male. Both have a different set of priorities than your own. If you walked up to your dog and said, “My, what a fine coat you have. You look very attractive in it. Have you been working out?” The dog is going to give you a quizzical look and return to licking themselves, the compliment completely wasted on them.

To a human, most canine actions seems random or pointless, they run around, they bark, and periodically bring dead things in from the yard to plop down at your feet. To the dog, their actions make complete sense and are all very deliberate. They don’t bark to hear the sound of their own voices, they bark to protect you. If you could translate what they were saying it comes out to “This is my human and my human’s property. Stay away from my human because I love them.” As gross as it is, when they drag in a rotting corpse of a dead animal, they’re attempting to deliver two messages, “Look at what a mighty hunter I am to have defeated the smaller mammal. I bring you the spoils of my conquest to thank you for feeding and loving me.”

A dog doesn’t want a compliment, it wants acknowledgement for its achievements. Keep that in mind as we go on, and if you can understand the type of reaction a dog is looking for, you’ll understand the same when it comes to the male human counterpart.

Back to your boyfriend. Of all the things I’ve heard males complain about, not once have I ever heard one say, “She never tells me I’m pretty.” Number two on the top ten list of complaints about girlfriends is almost always either not being thanked for, or barely acknowledged for a gift or symbolic gesture of the boyfriend’s affection. “She didn’t like the present I got her,” “She didn’t say anything about the roses,” “I fixed all the broken things in her apartment and she acted like she didn’t even care.”

Just like a dog is physically incapable of saying “I love you,” so is the average guy. They don’t tend to express things verbally because, to them, that seems pointless. What they want is prove and express their feelings with an action that has a tangible result. They fix your car, they buy flowers, dinner, lend you CD’s, clean up the yard, repair various things, fix up your computer, or any other numerous things that a girl might not care about or assign any real significance to. It’s easy to overlook, but if you pay attention to all the little things a guy does, it’s his way of proving his worth to you. Every last one of these things means, “Look at what a capable person/provider I am. I bring you gifts because I love you. I fix all your things because surely I am the best possible mate for you who will continue to fix your things in the future.” You might not realize it but a man unclogging your toilet is his own way of advancing to the next level of commitment.

Back to the compliment. Again, a guy doesn’t need to be told he’s pretty. What he needs is to be acknowledged for whatever he does for you and, just like the dog, he expects nearly the identical verbal reward. If he spends the day working on your car, unclogging the rain gutters, mowing the grass, setting up your stereo, or whatever – the reward he wants is, “You are sooo sweet. Thank you so much. You take such good care of me.” He wants a positive reaction to the effort put forth. It’s a mans basic instinct to not vocalize feelings but rather to show them with his actions. Whoever he does the most for is the one he cares the most about. Even if he shrugs off the thanks or praise, it’s what he lives the most for and needs to hear specifically from the woman he loves.

Especially where gifts are concerned. I’ve seen too many times where a girl receives a gift and appreciates it with an internal warm glow, without expressing the feelings to the male gift giver. When that happens the male feels he’s not appreciated and tends not to bother with more gifts in the future. They’re looking for the squeal of excitement and happiness. The woman to throw her arms around him and kiss him on the cheek. Just like when a dog does something for you, it wants you to grab both sides of its face, shake its head and go, “Who’s a good boy? You’re a good boy, aren’t you?” A gift baring male is hoping for a similar reaction. If you are lucky enough to have a male who actually brings gifts, you have to make him feel appreciated. If your guy doesn’t bring presents, it probably means he was in a relationship before where the girl showed too much indifference towards his efforts.

If you’re not into the extreme reaction, there are a few simple phrases you can throw around that are almost as good. Practice say, “Aww, thank you,” “You’re so sweet,” “You’re so thoughtful,” or the one every guy wants to hear more than anything, “I don’t know what I would do without you/I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” Without this type of positive reinforcement, you’ll find that his interest in putting too much effort into further gifts/signs of affection will completely disappear. It’s a learned behavior. If he’s happy with the reaction he gets, he’s more prone to putting more effort into making you happy in the future.

Finally, the closest thing you can give compliment wise to a guy is acknowledging his interest. Males are competitive by nature and any interest or hobby they pick up, the goal is to be the best, most creative, or accomplished in that field. Mechanics, carpentry, music, sports trivia, cards, computers, games, drinking, entertainment, whatever endeavor they dump the mass of their time into (that you wished they would spend that time with you) is where they want your acknowledgment most. Where ever they put the biggest percentage of their free time, the secret desire is to hear, “Wow, you know more about (insert interest here) than anyone else I know.” Even if they don’t show it, if they hear that from the woman in their life, their chest puffs out a little more with pride for the rest of the day.

What To Expect From Your New Boyfriend By The Music He Listens To

Top 40 – Shallow, probably spends more time looking in the mirror than you do. Also has a bigger secret crush on Justin than you did as a teen.

Heavy Metal – Personal hygiene will be questionable, prone to fits of violence. Will forget your birthday, your anniversary, and periodically forget where he parked his car or where he lives.

Goth – Will use your mascara, wear your stockings and leave runs in them, and spend time curled into a ball listening to Nine Inch Nails feeling sorry for his self. Will stalk you after you break up with him, including late night calls where he hangs up as soon as you speak.

Rap – Will act exactly as you’d expect a guy who’s favorite song is “Bitch slap the bitch across her bitch ass with my cock,” to act.

Punk – See Heavy Metal above, plus will slash your tires if you break up with him.

Emo – Will cry when you break up with him. Will cry if you hurt his feelings. Will cry if you make fun of him, and will cry if someone leaves a mean comment on one of his myspace pictures.

Psychedelic/World Music/Reggae – Makes the metal heads and punks smell good. Has a Marijuana plant growing in his closet, and once a week will rant about how it should be legal, completely forgetting he’s given you the exact same rant every week you’ve been together.

Country – Not very bright, found you attractive because you kind of look like his sister or cousin. If you break up with him, the authorities will be involved and the footage will end up on the next episode of COPS.

Frat Rock – He’s going to get into your pants if he has to get you drunk and wait till you pass out. On the bright side, he will eventually take over his Dads business and make a lot of money.

Jazz – dirty filthy little beatnik that will roll his eyes every time it’s obvious that you just “don’t get” his music.

Originally posted as a bulletin, numerous people wrote in, all mostly asking about the same two types of music that had been left off the list.

Techno – Any guy who listens to techno is not going to be your new boyfriend. He’s got a boyfriend of his own, and his boyfriend loves techno too.

Classical – If he’s listening to classical, there’s a good chance the guy in question isn’t your boyfriend, he’s your father. You should probably stop kissing him if this is the case.

In Defense Of Breast

Breast. Guys love them, undeniably. Just about any heterosexual male would easily put looking at breast at the top of their list of favorite things to do, just slightly behind playing with them. But why? Why the infatuation with big, round, full breast? That beautiful, curvaceous swell, heaving slightly in rhythm to her breath, while the perfect nipple stands….sorry. Got distracted.

To the female, a male’s obsession with mammary glands may seem odd, if not extreme. Where does the attraction stem from? Is it just part of an Oedipus complex? Appreciation of symmetry? Is it a learned behavior, or are we just sex-starved idiots? Maybe even a mixture of all of the above?

You might be surprised, but the reason guys like breast is because we have to. We have no choice, it’s encoded in our being and nothing can change it. It’s not TV, girls in skimpy outfits, or sexist beer advertisements that fuel our attraction to round things. I can promise you this, it’s not learned behavior. You could take a male baby and leave him in the woods to be raised by squirrels. He could live his entire life never seeing another human being, let alone a developed female. You could keep him ignorant of the existence of breast, and it still wouldn’t matter. As soon as he hits puberty, he’s going to leave the tree, leave his adopted squirrel family behind, and venture to the city looking for a strip club with his fists full of nuts (so to speak) to put down their g-strings. Ignorant of the appeal of the opposite sex’s desirability or not, it’s in his nature. Why?

It’s in our DNA. You might as well ask why we eat, or breath air. Procreation is one of man’s basic survival instincts. Food, shelter, sex. Deep down, buried between “Eat to live” and “Beat everything that challenges you over the head with a blunt instrument” is, “Get every able bodied female pregnant to insure your genes are passed on to another generation.”

Yes, modern society has changed and evolved. Our needs and have become different, but our genes don’t give a damn about over population, women’s lib, equal rights, or any of the other accomplishments civilization has worked so hard to achieve. Even the most educated, well learned, intelligent male still has that instinct screaming at him daily, “Quick, have sex with her, and her, and her, and him, and…wait, scratch that last one.”

The fixation with breast comes from the survival of the species. Early man worshiped full figured statues of large breasted fertility gods because they understood where life came from and who was truly responsible for their tribe’s survival. It came not only from impregnating the female tribe members and keeping them safe from harm, but being sure to “knock up that one with the big breast, she can nurse a lot of kids.” A robust, healthy chested female could not only bare and nurse many offsprings, but also protect them, allowing the primitive man to go out hunting, knowing the female was capable of taking care of everything on the home front.

When I was eight, my brother came home on shore leave from the Navy. I was digging through his duffle bag when he was gone because, well, it’s what eight year olds do. While rummaging through his belongings, I stumbled across his pack of nudie playing cards. Each card featuring a picture of a different nude female. Up until that moment, I had never seen an exposed breast. My boys hadn’t dropped yet, and puberty and testosterone were still years away. Even without the hormone’s I was still mesmerized by the deck. It wasn’t coming from below the waist, it was that part of human instinct kicking in. Eight year olds don’t get hard ons, but I’d dig that pack out every chance I could get and just stare at their breast, not even understanding what the appeal was.

Now, that being said, yes the urge is natural. But we also haven’t put down thousands upon thousands of years of human history to be complete primitive animals concerning the subject. The instinct is there, but we’ve also evolved enough to have more refined taste in the matter.

Most guys are still close enough to our early ancestors in development to have the same taste as Bill. His quote; “I don’t see what all the fuss is over girls with triple D breast. Not when there’s triple E’s, F’s, and G’s.” While the animal side demands larger, a civilized mind can have more refined taste.

Now, myself, I’m all about the itty bitty titties. Numerous reasons. The first being my ability to see the big picture. I like nice little butts more then big tits and the two seldom coincide together naturally. That, and big titties now tends to mean droopage and a big ass later down the road. Real tits rock. Secondly, I just don’t have the same large breasted fetish most guys do. I think it comes in part from never having been breast-feed. My mom’s defense is that I was “allergic” to her milk. Honestly, I think it was just because she didn’t like me much.

To me a mouthful and a handful are more than enough to make me happy though. Small nipples, all the better. Though no preference of personal taste matters if I just like the girl. I’ve dated mostly small breasted girls, but have went out with a few girls with large ta-ta’s. Given the choice though – I’ll go for flat and smart over big breasted and stupid.

Final word to females, no matter how small your breast are, as long as you show anything resembling cleavage, guy’s will notice you. You’re appealing to his animal nature, which doesn’t take much. It’s hard not to notice, on pretty much all the social networks, that the more flesh a girl shows in her pictures, the more males she tends to have on her friends list. When hunting for a man, what you capture will depend on the bait you use. If you use your tits to capture a guy, don’t be surprised when he later leaves you for a bigger pair once yours start sagging.

Sex Slaves

So a few years back I was hanging out at a bar with a few friends of mine. We were talking about a girl we knew, and I mentioned, “I don’t like her. She’s too bossy.” As soon as I said it, everyone stopped talking and gave me that accusational look. You know the one, the “I can’t believe you just said that” look. No? I guess it’s just me then. I get that look all the damn time. I swear, almost every time I open my mouth. I mean, excuse the hell out of me, I didn’t realize that it was so damn taboo to talk about porn during Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe I’d realize that type of thing was a faux pas if you guys had gotten rid of the home videos of my own damn conception so I couldn’t accidentally stumble across them while trying to find where you hid my Christmas presents. You ever stop to think that watching them might kind of fuck me up? That maybe it might not be the healthiest thing in the world for a ten year old to see? Huh? Sorry…start over.

So a few years back I was hanging out at a bar with a few friends of mine. We were talking about a girl we knew, and I mentioned, “I don’t like her. She’s too bossy.” As soon as I said it, everyone stopped talking and gave me that accusational look. You know the one, the “I can’t believe you just said that” look. I immediately defended myself. “I am not bossy. I’m just…good…at convincing people…to do what I want them to do…with threats of violence if needed.”

But it got me to thinking that, ok, maybe I am the domineering type. Just a little. So I did what any rational person would do when confronted with a revelation about themselves. I sat down and started journaling, giving serious thought and consideration about this new information; what it said about me, and how I could use it to make myself a better person - both for myself, and everyone I come in contact with.

You didn’t believe that did you? Good. No, I got pissed, got drunk, probably punched someone before drawing the rational conclusion that maybe I should get into a BDSM relationship (for those of you who don’t know that’s Bondage & Discipline/Domination & Submission/Sadism & Masochism). I’m obviously a Dom. I like things done my way and I’m really good at giving orders. I’m definitely not a Sub. I’ve been told repeatedly that I have issues with authority and it’s pretty hard to get me to do anything I don’t want to – that and I hate bossy people. So yeah, that type of life style might fit my personality. Especially after I found there was a subsection of the Subs called Slaves.

I join a few sites and start looking for a female Sub/Slave in my area. I was very selective in my choice, I had to be picky, didn’t want no ugly slave. After a bit of looking I found an attractive girl that caught my interest, and of course wanted me – as any female in their right mind would. We corresponded a bit, sent a few emails to start getting to know each other, and it was looking like it was going to happen. We got to the part about our Dom/Sub relationship was going to be like, and she wanted to know how she, as a Slave, could serve me as her Master. Keeping in mind that the more domineering the Master, the happier the slave is, I sent her a list.

“The dishes need done, the floors need swept, the kitty litter needs cleaned and the rug vacuumed. The lawn will need to be done at least once a week, and windows monthly. I expect a cup of coffee waiting for me when I get up, dinner when I get home and a bath run for me nightly. The bedding will need to be washed every other week, or as needed.” The list went on and on like that for about two or three pages.

Apparently they’re not that kind of slave. It’s all supposed to be all sexual, part of bedroom play. Spankings and making them stand in the corner and stuff like that. Trust me, I was going to fuck her too; I had every intention of that. I was just trying to be courteous considering how tired I figured she was going to be the first few weeks catching up with all the housework. I thought it would be rude to make her please me in bed after hours and hours of cleaning. I mean, it’s kind of stupid to give her sexual orders in bed that don’t get anything done while the kitty litters over flowing.

And don’t get me wrong; from a sexual point of view it’s a pretty cool concept. I guess. It’s just that the apartment is a mess…

How To Prevent A Guy From Cheating

Guys cheat. It’s part of what they do. “But why,” you ask. “Am I not good enough? What more can I do to make him happy?” Nothing, you’ve done everything you can and probably more. It has nothing to do with you. Deep down every guy wants to fuck every beautiful girl in the world, and some of the ugly ones too - if they have a nice rack. It’s in their nature. Like it or not, humans are animals. Animals that paint and write songs and all too often wear horribly out dated clothing, but animals still the same. Just like women are prone to biological clocks going off, guys have the need to impregnate every female they come in contact with to be sure his genes are passed down for another generation. It’s as natural as a domesticated cat sharpening their claws on the couch to be better prepared for the dinner it never has to catch since it now has human slaves to provide it’s every need. It’s a natural instinct, and you’re never going to be able to keep a guy from wanting to have sex with other women.

Now, a more evolved guy will be aware of these needs and understand that, while they are natural, it doesn’t mean they need to be acted on. If you’re in a relationship with someone a bit lower on the evolutionary scale, being aware of this tendency will allow you to help compensate for his more basic urges. Just like teaching a dog not to piddle on the rug, you’ll never keep him from thinking about it, but there are ways to prevent him from actually acting on his instincts.

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. One of the most sure fire ways to keep a guy from cheating is to keep him well fed. “Because if he’s well feed and happy, he’ll be less likely to wander?” No, that would be silly. You’re thinking of stray dogs, guys aren’t that complicated. What I mean is fatten him up a bit. Actually, a lot. The goal is to get him fat enough that other girls wouldn’t want to fuck him. When he starts sweating butter is a good sign you can lay off the fattening foods. Once other women start wrinkling up their noses when he walks by, you can be secure that he is yours, and only yours. The downside is, you might not want to take him to bed either. Or if you do, be sure you get on top. There is also a possibility that once he gets so fat he can’t get laid for free, he’ll start spending all your money on whores.

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Think lower. As mentioned, a well-feed dog is less likely to stray. Guys are dogs who need to be feed another way. I’m not saying it’s easy to keep it interesting for both of you in the bedroom. But would you rather put on the sexy French maid outfit every now and then to keep him happy, or worry about him screwing the actual maid while you’re out? Even more disturbing if your maid happens to be a male immigrant named Manuel.

Mark your territory. This doesn’t work for guys when it comes to girls, mostly because other guys don’t care what the girl was doing an hour before, as long as she’s hot, but leave your mark. Before he walks out the door, heading towards the bar, latch on to his neck like a vacuum cleaner and give him a hickey. Big hickies are a great way to keep other women from being interested. Wedding rings can be taken off; the same can’t be said for hickies. There might be some temptation to just brand your name on him, but I think you’ll find most guys far more interested in making out than having burning iron applied to their skin.

Tell the truth about your sister or best friend. Embarrassing secrets are a good way to keep a guy from being interested in the attractive females he meets through you. Years ago, I met my girlfriend’s sister. The sister and I hit it off immediately and had a lot in common. On the drive home, I mentioned, “Your sister’s really cool and pretty.” My girlfriend shrugged and said, “Yeah, but she gets around. She got VD from her last boyfriend. You should’ve seen it, she swelled up and it looked like she had a football between her legs. And you’d never believe how much puss there was.” All of a sudden her sister wasn’t pretty anymore.

Keep him entertained. Instead of complaining about some of his lame hobbies, encourage him. Yes, it is annoying watching him spend hours playing video games, watching sports, working on cars, or whatever pointless thing he enjoys, but think about this. All the time he wastes on his hobby is time he’s not spending trying to cheat. Kind of makes you want to buy him a new game, doesn’t it?

Buy him porn. Don’t complain about it, it serves a purpose. It gives him a means of cheating on you in his mind, which he’s going to do anyways, and less likely to actually find a real life alternative. Going out of town for a few days and you want to make sure he doesn’t stray? Leave him a few pornos and some hand lotion. Not only does he now think he has the coolest girlfriend in the world; it also accomplishes some thing else. By now you should know that two things happen after a guy cums. He gets less stupid about getting laid when the need is filled, and he gets lazy. Almost all guys need sleep after cumming, something women always complain about. Use our weaknesses for your benefit. Leave him alone with the porn and he’s going to masturbate, then fall asleep. It may not be what you want him to do, but it helps keep him out of trouble when you’re not there. One word of warning, don’t blame me if you’re dating one of the few guys with enough energy to get up and look for more after blowing his load.

Reward him when he does something that makes you happy. Guys are fairly oblivious when it comes to making women happy, you have to condition them subtly to let them know not only when they do something wrong (we always know when we’ve pissed off our girlfriends – we just usually don’t know why) as well as when they do something wrong. Guys would be far more opt to go watch chick flicks if we’re guaranteed a hand job somewhere in there.

So there you have it. Understand a guy’s needs (all two of them) and you’ll be able to keep him from straying. Yes, guys suck. But what are your other options? Sleeping with women? If for some reason what you read here at The Truth About Your Boyfriend does turn you off of guys and onto women, nothing says “thank you” like nude pictures of you and your new lesbian lover.

Guys Fix Things

I’ll give you fair warning, today I decided to write about the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard Bill say. Considering that almost everything that comes out of Bill’s mouth is offensive, you might not want to read this one.


Guys fix things, that’s what we do. We constantly seek ways of fixing that which is broken. While this idiosyncrasy is helpful when it comes to broken chairs and cars, there’s a downside in the fact that in a guy’s mind what also classifies under the “needs to be fixed” category is pretty much anything they don’t understand.

The closest male in my family is my brother who is nearly a decade older than me. My brother was a bit of a jock, so he tended to see the world from the football field where he spent most of his teen years. He moved out as soon as he was old enough and we didn’t see each other for a few years. When he returned he was a bit confused and upset that his little brother had not exactly following in his footsteps. My brother was an athlete and liked to do whatever the hell it is that jocks do. Johnny on the other hand was more of the drunken hoodlum type and the closest I ever got to athletics was starting a fire in the middle of the football field one night while drunk. I had long hair, earrings well before they were vogue, and listened to music. Behavior that was unknown to my brother and therefore strange and in need of being “fixed.” A project he started within a few minutes of seeing me for the first time since I’d hit my teens.

Brother – surveys my room, Led Zeppelin posters, cassette tapes, empty bottles of booze. “Where are your playboys?”
Johnny – “I don’t have any.”
Brother – “You don’t have any playboys? Why not?”
Johnny – “I’ve got a girlfriend. Why look at pictures of food when you’re already eating?”

I was later told by our mother that my brother was worried that I was gay. I liked all the things that guys are supposed to, but not in the way that he was familiar with, so the logical conclusion was, I might be a homosexual. Like that was going to happen. It’s not like anything even resembling homosexual leanings weren’t scared out of me nearly ten years before when, at the age of eight, I walked into my brother’s room and found him masturbating into a gym sock. I stood in shock, trying to figure out why he was naked and strangling his sock while he screamed at me hysterically to shut the door, thus long since having “cured” me of any “gayness.” Not only did he assure I wasn’t going to be gay, but he also created an irrational fear of sock monkeys I have to this day.

But back to my teens. After my mom mentioned my brother’s concerns, he later stopped by and, with an awkward “here,” handed over a grocery bag full of playboys. All kidding aside, it was almost a sweet gesture in its own offensive way. In his mind he gave me his playboys so his little brother “wouldn’t be gay anymore.” It’s touching and a shame that Norman Rockwell never did a painting of it.

I have no doubt that, years later, when I moved in with a tall blonde model that my brother felt responsible. “He’d be sucking dick now if I hadn’t given him my girly magazines.” The pride most likely dissipated a bit when she kept cheating on me, but that’s a different story.

So guys try to fix or find solutions for things that confuse them. Which brings us to Bill. Years ago I was listening to Bill gripe about his girlfriend at the time and her taste in music. Specifically female artist that wanted to sing about something more than dressing up pretty to make their man happy, then make him dinner. I think the artist he was irritated with at the time was Fiona Apple.

Bill – “…so damned uppity! You know what she needs? She needs more cock, that’s what she needs. I’d like to cornhole her, seriously. Just ram her up the ass for hours, beating her head against the headboard of the bed. I bet if I could do that, I could fuck the feminist right out of her.”
Johnny – “That’s…that’s an interesting hypothesis. You should see if you can get a government grant to fund your research.”

Helpful Hints For Bachelors

This will be the first installment of articles concentrating on helping out the single guy, all the bachelors out there. Passing on tips we here at the TAYB have picked up from years of bachelorhood (yes, we are single. Can you believe it?). Little tips to help you around the house to free up time to concentrate on the important things in life; like sleeping and playing video games. Enjoy.

As single guys, we all know the worst part of being single (ok, the second worse) is house work. Guys hate it. As tempting as it would be to just let the trash pile up on the floor, chances are that one day – if just by accident – you may actually be entertaining a member of the opposite sex and, for some reason, they just don’t think that old pizza boxes and empty beer bottles offer the same je ne sais quoi to the atmosphere that you do. You have to keep your apartment at least relatively clean, and let’s face it, your mom’s only going to fall for that whole ‘inviting her over to chat knowing full well she’ll clean up while she’s there’ ploy so many times. So what’s a guy to do?

For starters, get a dog. A dog offers many features a single guy can’t live with out. It’s a companion, it guards your stuff, and it’s a never ending source of amusement when you blow pot smoke in its face or pouring a half finished beer into its water dish (not that we would ever condone such behavior). More importantly, a dog offers two qualities that guys can’t live with out.

It’s like having a live in maid. Dogs will eat anything. Do you have old left-overs you need to dispose of but the garbage disposal is broken and you really can’t be bothered with taking the trash out before it starts smelling and that weird mold starts growing in the kitchen again? Give it to the dog, he’ll eat it. Don’t want to clean up the milk and cereal you spilled on the floor in the morning while hung over? The dog will take care of that for you; you don’t even have to ask. No time to do dishes? Just leave them on the floor awhile; the dog will take care of that for you too. In fact, pretty much anything you want to get rid of, just drop it on the floor and the dog will eat it. Man’s best friend indeed.

More importantly, chicks love dogs. Dogs are chick magnets. Take your dog to the park; chicks will be all over you. In fact, we guarantee that if you get a dog, you will get laid *. I had a dog for a while, and I got laid all the damn time. Every day! Most of the time I was getting laid two or three times a day. I’ve never gotten laid as much as I did when I had a dog. And the places I got laid, you just wouldn’t believe. I was getting laid in every room in the apartment; in the kitchen, in the front room, right there on the bedroom floor. I got laid in the park, right there with everyone watching! I’d go so far to say that I got laid so many times while I had that dog that I thought if I had to get laid one more time I’d get sick.

There you have it guys, go to the human society now and pick up a stray. And every time you get laid, it will be your dog’s way of saying “thank you.”

* English is a very versatile language, each word's meaning subjective to the user's intent. Just as slang can change the potential definition of a word, one can be free to assign whatever interpretation they wish to a word. For the duration of this article the word "laid" is meant to be used inter-changeably with the phrase "clean up dog shit.” Tense subject to change where appropriate.

A Cat In Heat

Years ago I separated from one of my long-term girlfriends. We had been living together just shy of a year, and most of that was spent fighting about…well, just about everything. She packed up her stuff (and some of mine) and left, leaving only her cat. The cat was happy where she was, and it wasn’t the cat’s fault her real owner was a slightly unstable…I’m trying to think of a nice way to say psycho bitch, but nothing is coming to mind. Point being, I ended up with the cat. In the long run, the cat turned out to be the best part of that relationship. Better conversation than my ex, didn’t want to go out as much, didn’t smoke my cigarettes, and yelled at me a whole lot less. Over all, the cat was way easier to live with, right until she went into heat.

Having had mostly male or out door cats when I was a kid, I didn’t immediately notice the change in the cat’s behavior. Yes, she was wanting to be petted a bit more and was scratching the furniture less, but I thought it was just her out growing her kitten habits. What really gave it away was a few days later when the nonstop screeching started when her hormone’s kicked in. Not having the funds to get the cat neutered, I had to try and find another method of helping her deal with the changes in her body.

I tried reasoning with her, “You know, when I hit puberty, I was horny enough to fuck a brick wall. In fact, I think I tried it once, but that’s beside the point. As horny as I was, I didn’t go down to the breakfast table and scream and cry that I needed me some. Mostly because I was scared my dad would take me to that place he took my brother, who says it still burns when he pee’s. While I’m sympathetic to what you’re going through, shut the fuck up.”

It didn’t work; she still meowed at the top of her lungs. I decided to go the route my mother always did with me, ignore the problem and hope it works itself out or eventually runs away from home. I tried to stick to the plan, figuring if I wasn’t giving her attention eventually she would shut up. Around four in the morning, after listening to her for ten straight hours, I realized ignoring the problem wasn’t going to work.

I opted for my dad’s solution. I gave the cat a porn magazine and some q-tips and let her have some privacy while I went outside and had a smoke, hoping she’d take care of her urges herself. Didn’t happen. I ended up going to work the next day with maybe two hours of sleep.

As I did the following day, and the day after that, and the day after that. Four days in I was a mess. Soon realized that if I was at home, I would be listening to the cat shrieking. Tired of hearing it, I headed up to the coffee shop I hung out at, red eyed and unshaven.

“Why are you here Johnny?” Asked the barista, “You normally don’t come up on Wednesdays.”

“Same reason I’ve come up here for during the past year. There’s a female in my apartment who won’t stop screaming at me and I need some time away from it.”

A friend of mine joined me, mentioning that I looked horrible – because that’s what guys do. I agreed, I looked horrible. We started talking and I was having a hard time following the conversation, fatigued from lack of sleep. I pull the cigarette out of my mouth to ash it. Right about then, my nose starts to itch, so I reach up with my free hand to scratch it. About the time my hand hits my nose, I scream and start flailing around.

Why? Keep in mind I had been up for nearly four days with almost no sleep as we reexamine the scene. I was so tired that when I used my right hand to remove the cigarette to ash it, I didn’t notice that I hadn’t gotten a good grip on it, leaving the cigarette still hanging from my lip, as my right had was actually holding nothing. When I brought up my left hand to itch my nose, the cigarette was in the way, so I basically shoved the cigarette, burning ember and all, right up my nose.

It hurt. Bad.

I excused myself (after I stopped screaming), went home and applied burn cream to my nose and spent the night not sleeping – listening to the cats howling.

At that point, not having the funds to get the cat fixed became less of an issue. If I was ever going to sleep again, I needed to get it taken care of. So I started calling around, looking for a vet who was in my price range.

“We charge three hundred dollars.”
“Three hundred dollars!”
“Yes sir, we use a local anesthetic to make sure your pet is comfortably resting while we perform the surgery. Afterwards, we…”
“I was clear that this is for a cat and not my girlfriend, right?”

From there I did what anyone in my position would do. I decided to perform the operation myself. How hard could it be? I got a pair of salad tongs, a wrench, and some duct tape - but was unable to find a copy of “Fixing Cats For Dummies,” so I had no choice but to continue looking for a reasonably priced vet.

Eventually I found one, got the cat fixed and was able to sleep again. The moral of the story, of course, is – don’t ever put a cigarette out in your nose. The skin there is very sensitive.