Helpful Hints For Bachelors

This will be the first installment of articles concentrating on helping out the single guy, all the bachelors out there. Passing on tips we here at the TAYB have picked up from years of bachelorhood (yes, we are single. Can you believe it?). Little tips to help you around the house to free up time to concentrate on the important things in life; like sleeping and playing video games. Enjoy.

As single guys, we all know the worst part of being single (ok, the second worse) is house work. Guys hate it. As tempting as it would be to just let the trash pile up on the floor, chances are that one day – if just by accident – you may actually be entertaining a member of the opposite sex and, for some reason, they just don’t think that old pizza boxes and empty beer bottles offer the same je ne sais quoi to the atmosphere that you do. You have to keep your apartment at least relatively clean, and let’s face it, your mom’s only going to fall for that whole ‘inviting her over to chat knowing full well she’ll clean up while she’s there’ ploy so many times. So what’s a guy to do?

For starters, get a dog. A dog offers many features a single guy can’t live with out. It’s a companion, it guards your stuff, and it’s a never ending source of amusement when you blow pot smoke in its face or pouring a half finished beer into its water dish (not that we would ever condone such behavior). More importantly, a dog offers two qualities that guys can’t live with out.

It’s like having a live in maid. Dogs will eat anything. Do you have old left-overs you need to dispose of but the garbage disposal is broken and you really can’t be bothered with taking the trash out before it starts smelling and that weird mold starts growing in the kitchen again? Give it to the dog, he’ll eat it. Don’t want to clean up the milk and cereal you spilled on the floor in the morning while hung over? The dog will take care of that for you; you don’t even have to ask. No time to do dishes? Just leave them on the floor awhile; the dog will take care of that for you too. In fact, pretty much anything you want to get rid of, just drop it on the floor and the dog will eat it. Man’s best friend indeed.

More importantly, chicks love dogs. Dogs are chick magnets. Take your dog to the park; chicks will be all over you. In fact, we guarantee that if you get a dog, you will get laid *. I had a dog for a while, and I got laid all the damn time. Every day! Most of the time I was getting laid two or three times a day. I’ve never gotten laid as much as I did when I had a dog. And the places I got laid, you just wouldn’t believe. I was getting laid in every room in the apartment; in the kitchen, in the front room, right there on the bedroom floor. I got laid in the park, right there with everyone watching! I’d go so far to say that I got laid so many times while I had that dog that I thought if I had to get laid one more time I’d get sick.

There you have it guys, go to the human society now and pick up a stray. And every time you get laid, it will be your dog’s way of saying “thank you.”

* English is a very versatile language, each word's meaning subjective to the user's intent. Just as slang can change the potential definition of a word, one can be free to assign whatever interpretation they wish to a word. For the duration of this article the word "laid" is meant to be used inter-changeably with the phrase "clean up dog shit.” Tense subject to change where appropriate.