A Guy's Guide To Strip Clubs

So Johnny calls me while I’m out of town on a job and tells me that he wants me to write something on strip clubs. “Nice strip clubs,” he says, “the ones with nice girls dancing for the fantasy of it. Not the ones you go to where they only bother dancing in case an undercover cop walks in, to cover up what you’re actually paying them to do.”
I try and tell him I don’t have time to write anything like that and he says, “You’re stuck in a hotel. In a week you’re going to have watched every movie on cable and you’re not going to have anything to do anyways. What else are you going to do? Read?”
So a week later, after I watched all the adult movies the hotel had to offer, I wrote this.

Bill

A Guy’s Guide To Strip Clubs


You know why I love strip clubs? Well, besides that. It’s honest. None of that playing games bullshit you get dealing with women. You go to a strip club because you want to see the girl’s tits. They know you want to see their tits, and they’re ok with that. And you know that they want to charge you to view the goods, and for the most part us guys are ok with that too. It’s all out in the open and honest. Strippers don’t get pissed when you try and give a compliment like “nice ass,” “great tits,” or “you get me hard.” Say any of those things on a first date and see how much the girl giggles. Why we’re not doing a page called “your girlfriend sucks” I’ll never know.

But like anything, there are still rules. Unwritten rules that you should know before going into a strip joint.

Not All Money Is Equal – I know it’s still legal currency and you can buy cigarettes and condoms with it, but don’t even bother bringing in rolls of coins with you. If there’s one thing that’ll make one of the girls freak while dancing, it’s dropping quarters down her g-string. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “I’m not a vending machine,” well, I’d have enough money for a night in a strip club.

Eat Before You Go – Most clubs serve food as well as drinks. Don’t bother. Grab something before hitting the club. As tolerant as the girls are, you’d think they’d be able to shrug off your leaving a hand shaped barbeque stain on their asses, but it really just pisses them off.

The Stage Is For The Girls Only – This one’s important. You go to a club with your girlfriend and she gets pissed that you won’t dance with her. The opposite is true in titty bars. Just stay at your table and the doorman will let you back in the next time. That and you won’t have to deal with embarrassing questions from your friends like “Is that your picture at the door that’s says ‘refuse service’?” Also worth noting is only the girls are allowed to strip down to their undies.

Don’t Believe Her – If one of the dancers says something like “You’re so cute I could just keep your forever,” or “You’re so sweet I could take you home with me,” it’s not a real offer so don’t try and take her up on it. She doesn’t actually want you to follow her home after she gets off. I’m not going to dig out all of the court records, but they have a bunch of fancy names to describe your doing that.

The Waitresses Are There To Serve Drinks Only – Not to be hit on when you realize the strippers aren’t going to do anything with you. The waitresses work hard, so tip them well and don’t try and get them to give you a lap dance for a reduced price when you’re almost out of money at the end of the night.

Nice Strip Joints Aren’t Big On Southern Rock – So don’t bother screaming out request for Skynard or the Alman Brothers.

The Bouncers Hit Hard – That’s what they’re paid for.

They’ll Usually Tell You If They Have A Boob Job Or Not – If you ask them. They tend to frown upon you taking the incentive of finding out yourself.

What’s Acceptable Behavior In The Strip Club Is Only Acceptable In The Strip Club – If you try and give the waitress at Denny’s her tip by putting it down her skirt, the authorities are going to be involved, again.

Johnny also says I have to say something nice at the closing. Follow the rules and it can be a really good time and a great way to unwind on Friday night. Hate to say it, but try talking to the girls and show a bit of respect. Most of them are really cool and like all the raunchy jokes your girlfriend hates.


I asked Bill later to go ahead and update this to include the sleazier titty bars and he only had one thing to add.

Johnny


Try Not To Think About What’s Happened Before On The Seats – If you realize what you’re probably sitting on, it just ruins the night.