Revisions

While the shorts were popular, the brutal honesty had a detrimental effect on some of our female readers who found it a bit upsetting to learn that most guys would have sex with a jar of mayo just as quickly as they would with them. Even after personally assuring certain girls that we would classify them more in the range of fancy French mustard than a common bottle of mayonnaise it was obvious that we would have to clarify a few things that we had posted on the front page. While most of it is really funny and there is a kernel of truth to it, most of it has been exaggerated for comedic effect.

Fat Chicks -

“If the choice comes down between doing a fat chick or not getting laid, guys will always go for the fat chick.” I want to be clear on what we meant when we said that. A larger girl is not, nor should ever be considered, “a fat chick.” There is nothing wrong with being curvy or voluptuous. Women should not have to live up to the stereotypical, supermodel, unhealthy waif look. Those aren’t the types of girls that comment referred to.

Nor were we talking about the morbidly obese. You see it all too often on daytime talk shows where they interview a woman who weighs just shy of a literal ton. Someone who is so big that they have to cut the wall down to get them out of the house, hoist them out with a crane, and take them to the set of the show on the back of a flat bed truck. That’s not the type of girl we’re talking about a guy doing. Even your normal, lowlife, horny guy wouldn’t do someone that big. And there’s nothing funny about that, it’s a sickness and it’s tragic.
Unless the flatbed truck taking them to the talk show hits a bump and they fly off and crush a compact car full of midgets. Then it would be pretty funny.

The Jar of Mayo –

It surprised us how much this one really seemed to stand out to our readers. Don’t worry; it’s not as bad as that. The jar of mayo is an extreme example. Rest easy knowing that most guys you’ve known and dated have not tried to get off in a jar of mayonnaise. Food items used for self gratification are rare and mostly reserved for really desperate guys that you would be above dating.

Shampoo bottles are a different story though. Just about every guy you know has tried to stick his dick in a bottle of shampoo, usually sometime when they were in their teens while still experimenting with the urges brought about while their body was developing – before realizing that it was never going to fit in there. Don’t let it bother you, it’s completely normal. You’ve dated, and probably are dating, a guy who’s screwed off the lid of a shampoo bottle (or sometime conditioner, depending on how much body they wanted their pubs to have afterwards) at least once to see if he could use it to masturbate with. The only thing you have to worry about is if you’re dating a guy who is actually small enough to get his dick into the bottle. And if you are…I’m really sorry.

Compliments –

It’s wasn’t often that it happened but I disagreed with one of the subjects Bill came up with for the opening page. He said that “if a guy gives you a compliment or shows any interest in anything you're saying, it's to either get into your pants or, if he's already gotten into your pants, to shut you up.”

While it was funny, and partially true, it wasn’t completely accurate. I later came back and gave a bit more detail about what it means when a boyfriend or a guy gives a girl complement -

This is going to require some semantics, so bare with me. In the English language there are two rules that we utilize in spoken encounters everyday. Those being “I understood,” and “You understood.” Basically the I & You are accepted as having been implied even though they’re not spoken. Native English speakers can easily follow a basic verbal exchange between two people like this; “Going to the store?” “Heading there later.” You don’t have to add the personal pronouns of you or I; the meanings of the sentences are still understood by the listener.

That being said, there is a similar, unwritten, rule in ‘guy talk.’ Something that all males understand as being implied, but is never spoken, when giving a compliment to a female (surprisingly, it has nothing to do with intercourse). Let’s look at a few examples.

“You’re a pretty good driver.”
“You hit pretty hard.”
“You’ve got pretty good taste in music.”

These are the ‘pretty’ examples. When a guy gives you a complement using the words ‘pretty’ or ‘good,’ there is an implied meaning to it. Basically, at the end of each of those sentences the phrase “for a girl” is understood to be added in the male mind. The complement translates to, more or less, “while you’re not as good at that as the most incompetent male, you have surprised me by showing that a female can reach that level of accomplishment.” Let’s take another look at the examples.

“You’re a pretty good driver…for a girl.” Meaning, “If I shut my eyes I could almost believe that I’m in a car being driven by a slightly incompetent man and not a woman.”

“You hit pretty hard…for a girl.” What he’s saying is, “If you were my ten year old brother I’d actually be proud of you.”

“You’ve got pretty good taste in music...for a girl.” Translates to, “Wow, there’s at least three CD’s you own that I like, and I’m only tempted to throw half your collection away when you’re not here.”

The next level would be ‘great’ complements. The meaning depends on the context. For instance, “You’ve got a great sense of humor,” which means “I would put your sense of humor right up there with the average guys. It’s so rare to find a girl who can make me laugh almost as much as my male friends…and I might like to have sex with you as well.” Or, if the term great is used in direct reference to something about you - such as “You have great legs,” that does mean that he thinks you have great legs. That and he is trying to get into your pants.

Now if a guy actually says he ‘loves’ something about you or something that you’ve done, then he means every word of it. For example – “I love your tits,” “I love having sex with you,” or “I love when you make me breakfast.” Those are the tender moments, free of implied meanings or interior motives, that you should enjoy.

I hope this helps you understand the male mind a bit more. In closing I’d just like to add one thing. If he says “I love when you give me head,” you’re safe. If he says “You give a pretty good blow job,” there’s potentially something being inferred that you might need to be worried about.