Why Guys Can't Commit

Commitment issues – that one comes up a lot when looking at relationships. More often than not, a woman doesn’t want to go to sleep alone or wake up alone. A guy on the other hand doesn’t want to get into an empty bed. Waking up alone is just fine with us and if you can take the trash out when you leave – that would be great. Don’t worry though; we’ll call you later. Honest.

Now, I’ll always default many of my arguments to basic genetics and the fact that, while we’re evolved animals, we might not be as highly evolved as we’d like to think we are. But you’re right, we have come along ways as a society to where the “guys are genetically programmed to knock up as many able bodied females as possible” excuse has gotten old. Surely left over monkey DNA can be conquered by advancements as a civilization and, after thirty plus thousand years, we are a long ways from the cave by this point.

Well, let’s switch then from nature to nurture. Right back to the tabla rosa of childhood where our minds are being formed by our environment through not only what we observe in the family setting, but also from the games we play and the toys we play with.

Male or female, we start with toys geared at preparing us for the corporate work place - ABC blocks to spell words we haven’t learned yet, things that rattle and things that you try and cram into other things even though they don’t fit. It really doesn’t matter because at that age, the value of a toy is based solely on the two factors of if you can make it fit in your mouth and how it tastes when in there (come to think of it, some of us never get past that system). Yup, all-powerful lessons that have helped me get this far in life. Outside of some color bias, there’s not too much difference between the upbringings of a male or female baby (in fact, the last acceptable time where both sexes can get away with peeing standing up and the whole ugly toilet lid subject is still years away from becoming an issue).

About the time we learn to walk, we hit the ‘icky’ gap that will exist between us up until the ‘cootie’ phase – boys head through the blue door, girls through the pink, where they’ll stay separated in activities for roughly ten years until, all of a sudden, the opposite sex becomes interesting again and the males will have no idea what to do about this new found interest. Until then, the sexes go their different ways to learn the needed skills to prepare them for adulthood.

Girls, here’s your toy oven so you can learn to bake. Your unrealistically proportioned, plastic, dress up doll that will teach you the importance of fashion and looking good for your man - while strengthening the fact your body will never look as good as you’d like it to. Here’s your doll’s rich boyfriend who has no genitals – since you’ll lose all interest in that area once you have access to his bank account. Here’s a toy broom and a toy mop to go with your toy kitchen, where you can wash your toy dishes when you’re done with your tea party. Most importantly, here’s your toy baby doll – the more realistic the better. This one pukes, pees, and can eat real food that makes a really dirty diaper. The baby doll also is programmed to wake you up at three in the morning screaming to be feed (actually, I think that model was recalled).

Is it gender based brainwashing? Yes, it is. But the fact of the matter is, it is reality based. At least you’re honing something practical and learning qualities that would help either gender in real life. You think your brainwashing is bad? Let’s look in on the boys.

The first few years after walking we learn the basics – how to be a cop and protect the peace by shooting robbers dead with guns. Then we move up to how to be an army solider and how to protect people in other countries (that we know nothing about) by shooting them dead with guns. Finally, to confuse things, we learn how to be cowboys preventing indigenous people from stealing their lands back by shooting them dead with guns. The initial gun phase only last a few years before we start concentrating on the skills that will actually benefit us as adults.

We have to learn how to overthrow evil galactic empires or preventing the Earth from being invaded by space aliens (this is all done through lasers). How to kill a dragon (turns out you hit them with sticks – sorry, no amount of imagination makes you believe it’s a sword). How to board a pirate ship and fight pirates (or vice versa – how to be a pirate and plunder doubloons – either way it’s still done with more sticks). Finally, there’s how to defeat space robots who turn into other mechanical things (the answer to that one is having the robot who either turns into a tank or into a really honking big gun).

The education continues well into our teens. Where our female counter parts are now honing their skills like putting on make up and dressing up, we males have graduated to one of two things. Either sports, or fighting zombies. The last one might surprise you, but if you’re dating a male roughly between the ages of twenty to forty, chances are they have a prepared contingency plan for if the undead rise from their graves. Seriously, go ask your boyfriend. You may have to push, but if you get him talking about it, don’t be surprised if he pulls out diagrams on how to reinforce their home or apartment to fight off zombies.

Now, if they’re not imaginative enough to follow the above syllabus, they probably placed sports – but the same principles apply to what we’re being taught our entire lives – how to work with a group of guys to overcome something. The scenarios are all basically ridiculous, but there’s a definite repetition of a theme in all this. Something crosses you, challenges you, is broken or needs fixed, or needs made right – you get a group of guys together to beat the challenge (preferably with guns or at least some form of explosives).

That’s why the concept of playing house, both as a child or an adult, is lost on most guys. How do you play house? Who’s the bad guy? Who should we shoot or what needs to be blown up? You have the tea party just to have it? What’s the catch? Is it like a mystery? Is the stuffed bunny going to poison the tea? Do we need to shoot the bunny? Can we at least do some repair work on the table to keep it from wobbling? We need a bad guy to kill or at least fix something.

The closest thing we’ll ever get to just doing something for the sake of doing it doesn’t come till we’re adults, and that’s barbequing. Even that’s not really close. If you’ve ever watched a group of guy’s barbequing, it’s a far cry from the serenity of a tea party. We force dominance over nature with the fire, prove that we can overcome any wind that would thwart us, that we can defeat the rawest of any meat with our fire, and finally compete with each other to who can drink the most beer and eat the most barbeque.

Everything in the male sphere of influence centers on these two principles – a balance between competition and fellowship. Watching sports, drinking, eating, playing pool, cards, working on cars – solve the problem, have friends help you and battle for the position of alpha male the entire time.

Now here’s the catch – when we’re done, the instinct is to move to the next level of conquest – the next obstacle to overcome. By the time we’re adults, we know how to battle Cobra, how to defeat the Decepticons, how to storm Snake Mountain, and how to rescue the princess. The problem being – the princess is always in the next castle. There’s a chick in a dress with a tiara who’s not the one we’re searching for – so off to the next level and the next castle we go.